10 Things Women Are Better At Than Men

Ask any sassy Cosmo Columnist and she’ll tell you how awesome being a female is. What with all our sassy drinks, hilarious names for intercourse, and zany adventures shopping for shoes. Let’s face it there are just some things that women can do better than men. Get ready to gloat by the oven tonight ladies when you let your beau know these ten facts of life where females dominate!

1.) Making Sandwiches
Sorry fellas but this one area in which your sweetie is going to win every time and how could we not? We know how to put together bread and meat, a task that makes any man look a fool. Top it off with our awesome ability to cut them diagonally and it’s game over.



2.) Making Babies
Did you know that in almost 100% of cases babies come out of women!? How can you argue with odds like that?! Recent research suggests that women dominate men in giving birth to babies 1,000,000,000 to 0. Remember that next time he is upset it’s your time of the month.



3.) Doing Laundry
100s of Stock photos can’t be wrong. Women are amazing at doing laundry. We’re so great we actually have fun times with every load we get to fold. Compare this with the 5 stock photos of men doing laundry where they look unhappy, confused, and/or enraged. Let’s face it pre determined cycles and measurements is tough work for anyone without a vagina.



4.) Cry
Feeling like everything is crashing down around you because your salon doesn’t carry your favorite nail polish? You’re not alone! Studies indicate 95% of women cry every time their boyfriend suggests they need to get their fat ass back into a gym. Let it out ladies it’s something that robot of a man you’re with couldn’t possibly out do you on.


5.) Baking Cookies
The next time your love ums is dominating the grill be sure to mention this little fact that women can bake the shit out of some cookies. We’re not talking the cut and bake kind, but the ones that require stirring, and blending. Better yet, lord your awesome baking skills by getting off the computer and baking some cookies right now. That will show him!



6.) Getting Lost
Women love giving bullshit directions. Usually involving landmarks that used to be other things and memories she had with her ex but for some reason thinks they are your memories too. The only thing they love more then their navigation skills is their inability to know whether or not they are heading east or west.


7.) Complain
Next time your hubby-to-be that you’ve only known for a month is getting frustrated because you’re too cold in the movie theatre just remember he’s just jealous! Research indicates women are totally awesome at complaining. It’s just in our nature to nitpick. Sorry sirs we’re just doing what we’re best at!


8.) Holding Grudges
Remember that one time your boyfriend forgot your two and half week first kiss anniversary? What about the time Sandy didn’t invite you out to that party? The good news is holding a grudge is something you excel at simply by being a woman! Recent conversations with your man suggest “It happened one time! One fucking time!” Be sure to remind him it was actual three!


9.) Quote Inane Shit
Women love to think they are hilarious, witty, intelligent, and creative. What better way to show the world our talents by trolling pin-interest and finding that original overused quote that says exactly what we’re thinking!

10.) Talk
Ever had trouble getting a woman to talk? Of course not! The last badge of pride of being a member of the fairer sex is our ability to chew your fucking ear off. Women love talking. Just ask any man who crossed the line of listening about hilarious things a woman’s cat did, and how attractive that woman was.

Subway: The Chat Roulette of Eating Fresh

So the time seems right for a good ole fashion Rose Rant.

Today’s target… Subway.

Subway has always teetered on the Rant ready line with me. Mainly because I never seem to pay the same amount for the same thing. Ever. Usually it’s not grumble worthy because it’s with in a dollar variance. But now they have began to mess with my perception of value…

The story begins last week when I went to subway for my usual 6in BLT on flatbread. They put two strips of bacon on it. I am dead serious. Two. I’m not one to argue portion sizes but when an item is significant enough to represent a 1/3 of the sandwich’s name I would expect it to at least contribute 25% to the entire ingredient list of said sandwich (allow a margin of error for bread and condiments.)

I surrender and asked for another portion of bacon knowing full well it would be at a cost. They added two more, and when it was all said and done with a soda and chips my meal cost me 8.00 and change.

So here’s the first thing that rubbed me. The cost of a BLT is 3.50 right? After chips and soda it’s about six so that means I was charged around 2 more dollars for two more strips of bacon… that means 58% percent of the cost of that sandwich is attributed to an ingredient that should normally represent no less than 25-33% of the sandwich but hardly contributed 10% in this particular sandwich.

What kind of bacon racket are they running exactly?

But here’s where the story turns… I went in today. I skipped the disappointment and went ahead and order the six inch BLT with extra bacon. The sandwich artist proceeds to put 8 pieces of bacon on it. Everything proceeded as normal until we went to check out. The grand total… 10 something and change… so I hand them my card and did not question it once. If a sandwich with 4 strips costs 8 then I’m surely winning the king’s ransom with a sandwich with 8 strips at the mere value of 10. Then she stops and says “Wait I’m sorry… It’s 6.33”

So let’s say that subway charges nothing for bread, lettuce, tomato… my first sandwich was roughly 1.37 a slice of bacon… my second sandwich… 0.44 a slice. Madness. Pure. Utter. Madness.

Don’t get me wrong winning the favor of the Bacon King today was sweet victory, but what happens next time the next time I pull the subway trigger? I bet there’s odd running on it in Vegas.

In conclusion it’s not the cost or the accurate Bacon Representation in the BLT… it’s the inconsistency. Is it so much to ask that a sandwich costs the same with the same portion at least… 75% of the time? Subway much like a girlfriend certainly shouldn’t be the crux in destroying budget and diets abound. They just need to make sandwiches.

Where's My Mega-Fem!

I am probably one of the least feministic people out there. I won’t deny I went to college for a degree in being a misses. I have no problem making sandwiches without an opinion in my pretty little head. But I received an email today that even I had to raise an eyebrow.

The story goes I placed an ad out on craigslist as a guitarist. I’m bored most nights, and it would be really cool to be part of a band. I’ve only been playing the damn thing for ten years might be nice to make it more relevant than having a hitchhikers thumb, whatever. So anyway, I’ve got back a few replies but every time I send them a sample I never hear back.

I always suspected it was these pesky breasts, but I got my confirmation this afternoon in the following email…

Your stuff sounds pretty good, although seeing as we do all "guy" songs it might not be the best fit for you.

Now let’s make it clear. My ad is for a guitarist, and the gentleman approached me looking for a GUITARIST! Maybe I missed that guitar class but I don’t know of a single song that has a bitchin wang solo or a penis minor chord.

My dilemma now is I feel like this can’t go without a snarky comment but what would it accomplish? I certainly don’t want to join a band with that mind set. And between you and me female come backs are hardly ever as witty as we wished they were.

I guess for now I’ll set the guitar back on the rack and leave this beauty next to Patrick’s sandwich and hope it finds its way in my kitchen this Christmas.

The Distribution Of Wealth

So as an Econ major I have been very engaged with the country's current economic woes. Many fingers have been pointed at the cause. The easy blame is George W Bush. While it would be great to blame a country worth of issues on one pseudo-texan we really can't give him all the credit.

Other theories of course fall into the crumbling housing market... how the failed variable rate mortgages have been the down fall of many institutions and american families. De regulation of the banking system, the money drain known as the war on terrorism, and dependence of foreign goods have all fallen victim to cause of our current crisis.

I'm here to offer the REAL reason this country is experiencing staggering unemployment rates, and dwindling saving funds. I am here to declare there is a much larger money sucking beast than our wars on intangibles, or Insurance Company retreats. There is a definite skew in our distribution of wealth.

I'm not talking about CEO executives living off the fat that is intended to trickle down. As disgusting as that is I'm talking of course of the Vacuum known as the entertainment industry.

While I could go on for ages about how it seems so surreal that some doctors and teachers are working 60 hours a week to feed their families while movie stars and athletes are just tossed fat sums of cash for smiling or walking from point A to B. But that's not what I'm ranting about right now. Americans love their entertainment it's definitely a normal good, and in such dire times it certainly is becoming more of a necessity. They are paid that way because there's a demand for it. It is what it is.

No. What's really grinds my gears is the fact that SOMEBODY keeps giving the Wayan Brothers money to continue to make crap like this...

..

really?! Didn't disaster movie just come out? Was epic movie not enough? Did enough people really go see Meet the Spartans? WHO THE HELL KEEPS FUNDING THIS CRAP! If you feel the need to laugh at crappy movies... jesus why not just get a couple of friends together... spend your nine dollars on beer, watch the original at home and make fun of it your own damn self! Trust me your money is better spent there.

To me there is this sense of laziness present when you have to have someone else make fun of things for you. I've said it before and I'll say it again... these movies are the foundation of what's wrong with America. They promote unwise spending, instant gratification, and the lack of ambition to be creative or self-motivated.

In conclusion however... Role Models was a charming film.

PDR: Get a Pew for Christsakes

So first I'd like to share a short antic dote that did not happened directly to me but that I would not doubt many of us have seen before.

A friend of mine was recently enjoying a late lunch at Noodles and Company when he notices a couple across from him about to sit down for their meal. Everything seems to be going normally when all of a sudden the man begins to pray over his food. A classic case of what I like to call....

PDR: Public Display of Religion

Public displays of religion (which will now be referred to as PDR) occur in most religions... but the ones that grind my gears the most seem to take place within the Christian religion. Whether it is leaching outside locals bars looking for a new piece of convert or their attempts to draw attention to themselves with things like what occur at Noodles it always feels so forced, gaudy, and self righteous.

I don't have anything wrong with loving Jesus... that's cool, but to be Christian is to be Christ-like, and I just can't imagine Jesus walked around...

"Man I am so glad I died for sins. I love me soooo much... hey hey Jew! Guess what? I love me and I died for you! Ya buddy... All me! Up HIGH!"

My belief is that love for Jesus is just like regular love... in the sense that if you want be on your knees worshiping all night till you scream "LORD!" in your own house then that's your business. Think of loving Jesus as loving your body... it's healthy to do it privacy, in public... it's called Indecent Exposure.

And what kind of country is this that I can't smoke in a bar, but I have to be exposed to second-hand religion? No sir. I'm not say a person shouldn't be free to thank god for the meal... but... Him Damnit... he's fucking omnipotent.... not deaf! Be humble about it you jackass....

I guess what I'm saying is... when PDR happens... these people aren't concerned with showing Jesus how much they love him... but that other people know how much they love him.

I appreciate Jesus for his love of God and his belief that he could sacrifice himself to save humanity... but... that's between Jesus and myself... same goes for God. It's not important to me that people know that I love God... it's important to me that God knows that... and if he's really omnipotent ... then he knows before I even say it.

In conclusion... remember the sweetness of subtly. Wearing a cross (well most crosses. please see above.) is like a sweet smile for or a holding hands with Jesus. Obviously praying in a public restaurant is like giving Jesus a hand job in public. It's awkward for everyone involved.

Parody Movie: Instant Gratification

So here I was... Enjoying me some nice Old School Adult Swim when this trash came on my screen....




WHEN IN THE HELL IS THIS GOING TO STOP! It's as ridiculous as when VH1 started I love the millennium.

Since 2000 this company has made... nine of these fucking things... four of which being scary movies... the others being date movie, epic movie, hero movie, meet the spartans, and now disaster movie. The last three were just release THIS YEAR!

Some of these movies they parody aren't even on DVD yet?! IRON MAN IS STILL THEATRES!!! It's getting so fucking ridiculous...

Ok yes scary movie was kinda enjoyable.. granted I was 14 when I saw it. but I mean... how in the hell do they keep finding money to make these pieces of crap!?

Why don't they just start making parodies of movies that haven't come yet? I can just see it...

Coming this fall.... The Trailer Movie....

Fact of the matter is I would rather sit thru 5 land before times than waste my time even watching 20 minutes of this crap. I hated Juno the first time... why would I want to see a terrible parody of it not even a year after I saw it.

If I wanted to see bad parodies of recent movies it's called fuckin SNL! Or madtv... or hell Best Week Ever for christsakes!!! That's right... I'd rather sit thru an episode of Best Week Ever...

Make me worry about this generation and our predisposition to alhemziers... really if we need to have reminded of things that happen two days ago... *shudders*

i feel like we are in an age of instant gratification... we are no longer willing to wait. And that's a BIG problem. It worries me.

I mean these maybe just be crappy movies we're talking about but they are reflection of the way our generation is... we use and abuse all in the same week.

I know people barely 24 hours older than I am that have been married, divorced, and had kids... at 22!? *scoff* slow the fuck down people. What in the hell are you going to do when you're 35?

James and I were talking about this other day... with technology and stuff... everyone is just so ... everything... here... now... bam bam bam bam! People are under the misconception that life is so short.

People life is fucking long! And yeah I know... death is scary... trust me it keeps me awake some nights... but I mean... my grandma is 78. 78!? It's ok to slow down once in awhile...

think of... think of the old spice commercial with Neil Patrick Harris. What makes them funny is that he played a doctor as a kid... the joke got seasoned with age. Life is the same way... like... think of some the grown up movies you watched as a kid... sometimes they are a lot funnier now that you understand... like Back to the Future.

My point... life needs to slow down. And these terrible movies have to stop being made.

Swing Vote

So i totally didn't know who I would vote for...

Until THIS!!!!



He speaks to me in a language I can hear.